Two letters.
1) Dear you,
We've had a long history. Really long. Few more years and it would be a decade. A purely platonic history. Non-platonic only in the eyes of every one else but us.
For so long, I was so happy that you were with her. Because it meant that you would have someone, who wasn't me. I AM that superficial yes. But I suppose that is the irony and the retribution of it - it's really not about looks. When you really do, you know, someone, he'll start to look really adorable in the end.
When it ended with her, I have to admit I panicked because I know we're close by nature. As friends. I mean. You look to me for advice. So do I. You called us, just before you left. And when you came back, I was really happy to have you back. But yet I was afraid, because I thought that both of us, having had failed relationships, might be in a danger zone that I didn't want to be in. Maybe in the sense if anything had happened we might be asking if it was a rebound, instead. Who knows?
Maybe this had to happen, so that I could realise that this isn't a rebound. That it goes beyond latching onto the nearest pair of legs for comfort. Much as I feared the danger zone, I would still do anything for you to make you feel better. Throw my whole day away. Listen you talk. Whatever it took.
Maybe then still, I was just being noble. I was still annoyed that people were still mistaking us for a couple because I did not want that to happen. So I vehemently denied, denied denied...and kept insisting it was not possible.
Until I found out how right it felt to be next to you. Until I realised, I was truly happy next to you, to be next to you, because I know you would love me no matter what I do or say, and it would be the same for you too. I knew you accepted me for who I was, unconditionally. I may not have done the same for you - but I loved most of the things about you, although it was hard for me to admit it. i still do, and this is selfish, but what I love most of all is how you somehow make me really really happy, almost without trying. Effortlessly. Not a lot of people can do that, I shouldn't think...You don't know how I feel when I see you by chance, grinning away in that ridiculous way you do, as if you're really happy to see me.
It's too late of course, and I would never ever do anything that would ruin what you have now. I would despise myself if I ever did. But still there are so many things I wish.
You said that she said I love you should only be said when you're married, because you'd feel strange if your spouse had said those words to someone else other than you. Why do you forget these things? because you think - you know - i won't take them seriously. only that I really wished you meant it. I wanted to say so badly, I love you too. But even as a joke, I was afraid you would notice or I wouldn't be able to hide my bluff. So I didn't. I just said ew. Like you knew I would.
when i finally found out, I didn't know what to think. It was weird. I thought it was because I'd only lost my pal, again, to a girl. And I would be alone again. Now I think, I really am a fair git. who am I kidding? I hated the idea. especially when you said that you didn't think it would work with her. Why then? I wanted so badly to be happy for you, but I just couldn't. And even that didn't give me a clue.
When I realised, of course, it was just too late. Too late to realise how happy I was with you, happier than I could ever remember being with anybody else. more comfortable than I could ever be with anybody else. too late to realise how much I adored you, your smile, how you can make me so happy just by being there, how happy it made me to see you use the stuff i get for you, how I'd do anything to get what you want, to make you happy - to make you happy, I don't care how miserable I am, as long as you are happy.
There's nothing else to do but slowly go further and further, because I have no right nor space in your life. I may have liked some people who I had no right to like. But I knew it then and I never had a chance, like they were married. So it never hurt. That it hurts to love someone who you know you have no right to love, well, I guess it makes it clear how much I really do.
I miss a lot of things about you. I miss a lot of things about us. There can never be anybody else, I think, that I could play with with my babies, who would understand what they are to me. He always thought I was a loon for doing it, but you never did. And I never learned to appreciate it until it was too late.
honestly, I love it that I got to see your room. i love it that you asked me out to go shopping, because you wanted to know what I thought. I love it that you understand the music I like, and you like the music I like, and that we can exchange nice tracks. I love it that you understand my dreams. I love it that you understand my antics, my jokes, my everything. I love it that you think so highly of me. I love it that you think I'm pretty. i love it that you said someone would fall for my wit. I love it that you said any one who marries me, is a lucky guy. I love it that you said that I am too nice not to get married.
but it is no use, as I can only wish that YOU would fall for my wit, that you would be the unlucky person. It is not going to happen, that much I can say.
It hurts that you still try to be my friend, and I try so hard to run away from you but I fail. every time I think, let's put some distance. I just can't. I mean, I can, if she is there, obviously. but when she isn't, when I let yself forget her, then I can't help it. I like you too much, I want to be with you too much, I want to make you laugh too much, I want to make you happy too much, and when I remember, it is almost . almost. too painful to bear.
and now you're telling me you're not sure... you don't know how i wish it was me you might have thought you wanted. but now I know it isn't once again, I realise that I really have to face facts that it was over before it even started. like you said, we have to draw the line.
And so that is what you have been doing. i'm not really sure if that's why i fell for you - because you tried to make me "notice" that guys, represented by YOU, were real. maybe it was why. or maybe it was doomed to happen on the onset.
this is the first time you have made me miserable. and boy it does suck.
Eating Balloons [: @ 8:49 AM : D
Well, the tragicosity continues. It appears that every time I have the mood to write funny, like Geenicks, I come here. Well good then, if I want to pulish something it will be this one I publish.
I still like you, the you in the previous entry. But now I want to duff my ex up. For saying he wants to patch up. Seriously I wanted to tell him to go to ... well, maybe not, but firstly, SOME GUTS. Secondly, PLEASE, leave me alone, it would have been much kinder to. You see, well, I did sort of say no. But him asking me in the first place has made me all of a dither. Not really a dither, because I made a sort-of decision and I think you got the idea, but still, I felt really, really bad when you told me that you couldn't get over it. WHY NOT???? If you had been in front of me I would have taken you by the shoulders and shook you violently....if I could, anyway. I was really, really flabbergasted that you would say that. Frankly, I AM over you. It shocks me in a way to say it, but yes, I am. I don't want to be with you, and neither do I want to give it a go, but I felt so bad that I couldn't say it out right, but I told you why, at least - that I don't think we were good together. I think you got it because you left me alone ever since, but I feel really really bad thinking that you haven't gotten over me and that I may have made you sad by saying I didn't think we were good together. Oh is THAT why I feel guilty. I get it now. I've been wondering why I feel so awful.
Plus I suppose it is le fact that ....I can't settle for you anymore. You may be nice and all, but the truth of the fact is I have raised my standards a bit. I am not that bad looking. I am average looking and I think I could go for someone a bit better looking and better sounding. I am vairy superficial, but such are the realizations when you are not really desperate to be attached or married. When I thought, between being single and being with you, I'd rather be single, I had to admit to myself that it really is over, and I couldn't keep that from you. I am vairy sorry - not only to you but to all my friends and mates who wished that we both still had a chance. I'm sorry that I don't want you back anymore. I just feel like I would be throwing my life away if I took you back. I know it's very mean to say it but that is the truth.
I hope I don't accidentally blub this out to Dr. H. tomorrow, that would be tres pathetico.
ooomygod. I just realised how very Geenicks my life is turning. Where I am in love sort of ish with a matey mate but it is one-sided (only the wrong side) and it is more like I am Dave, rather than Gee. I have an ex who wants to patch but I have turned him away (unfortunately he is not SG. If he was, I would have said yes in a jiffy tho'. Toldja I was superficial.) And I may be going on a trip with my pally wally ...with my parents.
I'd actually really have Gee's life, at least she has Dave. I have no one worth having, if you get what I mean.
Eating Balloons [: @ 9:58 AM : D 
Balloon Freak [: