Two letters.
1) Dear you,
We've had a long history. Really long. Few more years and it would be a decade. A purely platonic history. Non-platonic only in the eyes of every one else but us.
For so long, I was so happy that you were with her. Because it meant that you would have someone, who wasn't me. I AM that superficial yes. But I suppose that is the irony and the retribution of it - it's really not about looks. When you really do, you know, someone, he'll start to look really adorable in the end.
When it ended with her, I have to admit I panicked because I know we're close by nature. As friends. I mean. You look to me for advice. So do I. You called us, just before you left. And when you came back, I was really happy to have you back. But yet I was afraid, because I thought that both of us, having had failed relationships, might be in a danger zone that I didn't want to be in. Maybe in the sense if anything had happened we might be asking if it was a rebound, instead. Who knows?
Maybe this had to happen, so that I could realise that this isn't a rebound. That it goes beyond latching onto the nearest pair of legs for comfort. Much as I feared the danger zone, I would still do anything for you to make you feel better. Throw my whole day away. Listen you talk. Whatever it took.
Maybe then still, I was just being noble. I was still annoyed that people were still mistaking us for a couple because I did not want that to happen. So I vehemently denied, denied denied...and kept insisting it was not possible.
Until I found out how right it felt to be next to you. Until I realised, I was truly happy next to you, to be next to you, because I know you would love me no matter what I do or say, and it would be the same for you too. I knew you accepted me for who I was, unconditionally. I may not have done the same for you - but I loved most of the things about you, although it was hard for me to admit it. i still do, and this is selfish, but what I love most of all is how you somehow make me really really happy, almost without trying. Effortlessly. Not a lot of people can do that, I shouldn't think...You don't know how I feel when I see you by chance, grinning away in that ridiculous way you do, as if you're really happy to see me.
It's too late of course, and I would never ever do anything that would ruin what you have now. I would despise myself if I ever did. But still there are so many things I wish.
You said that she said I love you should only be said when you're married, because you'd feel strange if your spouse had said those words to someone else other than you. Why do you forget these things? because you think - you know - i won't take them seriously. only that I really wished you meant it. I wanted to say so badly, I love you too. But even as a joke, I was afraid you would notice or I wouldn't be able to hide my bluff. So I didn't. I just said ew. Like you knew I would.
when i finally found out, I didn't know what to think. It was weird. I thought it was because I'd only lost my pal, again, to a girl. And I would be alone again. Now I think, I really am a fair git. who am I kidding? I hated the idea. especially when you said that you didn't think it would work with her. Why then? I wanted so badly to be happy for you, but I just couldn't. And even that didn't give me a clue.
When I realised, of course, it was just too late. Too late to realise how happy I was with you, happier than I could ever remember being with anybody else. more comfortable than I could ever be with anybody else. too late to realise how much I adored you, your smile, how you can make me so happy just by being there, how happy it made me to see you use the stuff i get for you, how I'd do anything to get what you want, to make you happy - to make you happy, I don't care how miserable I am, as long as you are happy.
There's nothing else to do but slowly go further and further, because I have no right nor space in your life. I may have liked some people who I had no right to like. But I knew it then and I never had a chance, like they were married. So it never hurt. That it hurts to love someone who you know you have no right to love, well, I guess it makes it clear how much I really do.
I miss a lot of things about you. I miss a lot of things about us. There can never be anybody else, I think, that I could play with with my babies, who would understand what they are to me. He always thought I was a loon for doing it, but you never did. And I never learned to appreciate it until it was too late.
honestly, I love it that I got to see your room. i love it that you asked me out to go shopping, because you wanted to know what I thought. I love it that you understand the music I like, and you like the music I like, and that we can exchange nice tracks. I love it that you understand my dreams. I love it that you understand my antics, my jokes, my everything. I love it that you think so highly of me. I love it that you think I'm pretty. i love it that you said someone would fall for my wit. I love it that you said any one who marries me, is a lucky guy. I love it that you said that I am too nice not to get married.
but it is no use, as I can only wish that YOU would fall for my wit, that you would be the unlucky person. It is not going to happen, that much I can say.
It hurts that you still try to be my friend, and I try so hard to run away from you but I fail. every time I think, let's put some distance. I just can't. I mean, I can, if she is there, obviously. but when she isn't, when I let yself forget her, then I can't help it. I like you too much, I want to be with you too much, I want to make you laugh too much, I want to make you happy too much, and when I remember, it is almost . almost. too painful to bear.
and now you're telling me you're not sure... you don't know how i wish it was me you might have thought you wanted. but now I know it isn't once again, I realise that I really have to face facts that it was over before it even started. like you said, we have to draw the line.
And so that is what you have been doing. i'm not really sure if that's why i fell for you - because you tried to make me "notice" that guys, represented by YOU, were real. maybe it was why. or maybe it was doomed to happen on the onset.
this is the first time you have made me miserable. and boy it does suck.
Eating Balloons [: @ 8:49 AM : D
Well, the tragicosity continues. It appears that every time I have the mood to write funny, like Geenicks, I come here. Well good then, if I want to pulish something it will be this one I publish.
I still like you, the you in the previous entry. But now I want to duff my ex up. For saying he wants to patch up. Seriously I wanted to tell him to go to ... well, maybe not, but firstly, SOME GUTS. Secondly, PLEASE, leave me alone, it would have been much kinder to. You see, well, I did sort of say no. But him asking me in the first place has made me all of a dither. Not really a dither, because I made a sort-of decision and I think you got the idea, but still, I felt really, really bad when you told me that you couldn't get over it. WHY NOT???? If you had been in front of me I would have taken you by the shoulders and shook you violently....if I could, anyway. I was really, really flabbergasted that you would say that. Frankly, I AM over you. It shocks me in a way to say it, but yes, I am. I don't want to be with you, and neither do I want to give it a go, but I felt so bad that I couldn't say it out right, but I told you why, at least - that I don't think we were good together. I think you got it because you left me alone ever since, but I feel really really bad thinking that you haven't gotten over me and that I may have made you sad by saying I didn't think we were good together. Oh is THAT why I feel guilty. I get it now. I've been wondering why I feel so awful.
Plus I suppose it is le fact that ....I can't settle for you anymore. You may be nice and all, but the truth of the fact is I have raised my standards a bit. I am not that bad looking. I am average looking and I think I could go for someone a bit better looking and better sounding. I am vairy superficial, but such are the realizations when you are not really desperate to be attached or married. When I thought, between being single and being with you, I'd rather be single, I had to admit to myself that it really is over, and I couldn't keep that from you. I am vairy sorry - not only to you but to all my friends and mates who wished that we both still had a chance. I'm sorry that I don't want you back anymore. I just feel like I would be throwing my life away if I took you back. I know it's very mean to say it but that is the truth.
I hope I don't accidentally blub this out to Dr. H. tomorrow, that would be tres pathetico.
ooomygod. I just realised how very Geenicks my life is turning. Where I am in love sort of ish with a matey mate but it is one-sided (only the wrong side) and it is more like I am Dave, rather than Gee. I have an ex who wants to patch but I have turned him away (unfortunately he is not SG. If he was, I would have said yes in a jiffy tho'. Toldja I was superficial.) And I may be going on a trip with my pally wally ...with my parents.
I'd actually really have Gee's life, at least she has Dave. I have no one worth having, if you get what I mean.
Eating Balloons [: @ 9:58 AM : D
Goodness. I have so many blogs yet I cannot find a suitable place to write this. That is quite frankly triple merde.
And makes no sense.
But yes. I have decided to do away with this blog. I wish I could do away with the layout too. The words are so tiny there is almost no point. Then again, it is not as if I would like this to be read by the entire world, especially if that includes people who would smell a rat aka my best mate. That would be deffos crap up my bum. She would go all suspiciousy and I KNEW IT and so on.
Yes. I will never admit to her in ten kingdoms and 20 lifetimes.
So what is going on is that I am listening to Colbie whatsit's Realize and felt spurred by the emo-ness of the song to be reminded of the messy emo poo that I have landed myself into. I have not really landed. Or...well, if I said I landed it would sound like I did something willy-nilly to get myself in this situation. The matter of the fact is, I did not. I just, as the song says it, Realized.
Hahahahaha.
So I wrote in my public blog (public blog because that is the blog that people are directed to when they ask for an address):
But fanks for saying that I am the Queen of Wit. and that I am vair pretty, and nice and all that wotsit; you are a mate of the first waters. I will try and be a mate of the first waters to you too. (by disappearing.) I think I excelled, actually. It was I who took a day out to hang out so we could go scream somewhere. (If you have done that to other girls I might have to biff you. At least though, I will not biff you on the youknowwhat. And also you are the only person who I will forgive for biffing me on the youknowwhat, by accident.
Five matey type things. I must admit that is the highest number. Not that I'm rushing for a record or anything. Oh, I am vair vair relieved to know that nobody will know what I am talking about, and people who do generally find my blog too long to bother with. There is a very good upside of being a Spam Queen.
That is what I had to say, suppressing and censoring all I could in order not to get found out. Ths is what I really want to say:
But fanks for saying that I am the Queen of Wit. and that I am vair pretty, and too nice not to get married and all that wotsit; you are a mate of the first waters. I will try and be a mate of the first waters to you too. (by disappearing.) I think I excelled, actually. It was I who took a day out to hang out so we could go angst over our exes and scream over the hills at the seagulls, only we ended up snoozing at a corner of school because it started to rain. (If you have done that to other girls I might have to biff you. At least though, I will not biff you on the ass. And also you are the only person who I will forgive for biffing me on the ass, by accident.)
Five matey dates. I must admit that is the highest number. What was the first? Gah, I cannot do chronology if it biffed me upside my head. There was the Shopping Trip to hunt for the bag. Which you still use. It is nice to see you use the things I buy for you. It makes me wonder if your not-girlfriend buys you things that you use. And if she will duff me up in her head for buying you things and you use them. Frankly I - oh wait I just realized. I did not buy them. I chose them. Well we chose them together. And the slippers were shared with me and my best mate. But still. The tears and sweat came from me.
Then there was the Airport trip. And you bought me ice cream. You truly are a mate of the first waters. It was a vair sad day because everyone else was hanging out with their whoevers. You had a whoever. But you were having trouble. So was I.
Where did I get the number five? Ummm. Oh the screaming trip. When you asked me if I knew a good place where you could just go and scream because you wanted to. And I pushed aside my laziness to drag my arse out of the house and so on and said yes. And I would bring you there. But we ended up snoozing at a corner of school because it rained. That was a laugh.
I wish I could still have shown you it. If I could still find it that is. Maybe your not-girlfriend will know about it and show you. That would be nice.
Number 4. When the best mate went off. We went to have a meal and I owed you so I was paying, and you were in a tiff about being a lad so you wanted me to give you the money so it looked like you were paying. You know that spells out sexist jerk, but you are weird so it is okay.
Whut in the bleeding hell was five?
Oh right. I think we were both hungry. Were going home. You showed me your room. That was vair nice and sweet although you only can do that because we both know we are mates only. Then we decided to go eat near my place. That is number five.
Ah. I love you vair vair much. I just want you to be happy is all. Get married and all in 4 years and whotsit, and I will smile like a great smiling queen that I am and be happy for you. If I am lucky I may be out of the country. But that is not likely. And I am not that kind of nutter who is silly enough to feel all heartbreakosity, especially when I consider that much as I may love you vair much, I still don't want to have children with you. It is not fair on them. Hahahahahah. Give me an English bloke. Oh Ja.
Right. That was all. Phew. If that went up on my public blog it would have frankly been vairy scary, because my cousins read that. Yucksos.
The number of people who have thought and made the mistake honestly that we were a couple: three. Your teacher, your friend, your friend. Oh, my friend. Four then. Quite a number. The number who think we might get together. Your ex. Some random guy. And the best mate used to think so although at that time I really wanted to duff her up for that. She wasn't my best mate then too.
Oh, and your ex's mother. This is frankly quite disturbing; so I am vair glad that you have a not-girlfriend you would like to be married to.
People who think you like me: One. I have set her straight. My girlfriend thinks it is the familiarity we display with each other. I agree. Although sometimes I feel that you are also testing me. But that is now over, thank God. We don't need things to confuse us up. I am already entrenched in confusionosity enough. Actually I am not, I am just being dramatic.
People who think I like you: none.
People who know I like you: Me. God. My girlfriend. Two other friends, although one of them is in Japanland and may have quite probably forgotten, and the other thinks maybe I am just loving you like a mate. I think I do, too. But mates should not get the high I have when we are hanging out. At least, that is what I think. But it is okay. I am used to this tragicosity. Life can be quite fun with it. Because I have an excuse to do useless things as a distraction. hwahwahwahaa.
Eating Balloons [: @ 8:52 AM : D
Balloon Freak [: